another checkup

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I’m going in for another set of tests this morning. Nothing special, just the regular 6-months checkup, that regular reminder of my mortality. Is this the time when they finally will discover that the cancer has returned? Of course not. Think positive! (as though how I think has anything to do with it).

Living so close to the edge all the time gives me an insight that normal people don’t have. I would like to use that insight better in the years to come. I would like to make something out of the proximity of the abyss. Then again, isn’t “the proximity of the abyss” just another game I play with myself? An intellectual abstraction? A way to derive a cheap thrill from the predicament I’m in? The actual experience of having cancer, if I recall correctly, was not like this.

I’m taking Saga with me this morning since she is far better at understanding what Chinese doctors are saying. But none of this is anything to get worked up about. It’s just the regular every 6 months routine.

I wish we all could live for ever.

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